The Pause

I am sitting in front of a crackling fire, enjoying the smell and the warmth of a wood fire. To my left, the patio door overlooks Lake Superior. Right now she is angry. The waves crash against the rocks over and over. The sound is almost deafening, unnerving and demanding.

Yesterday she was calm. We walked along her edge listening to the snow crunch with every step, talking about life – where we’ve been and where we are going. This 4-day trip is a pause.

Years ago I admitted to myself I was not happy. I had worked hard for what I thought I wanted, and what I realized once I had was that it was not what I wanted. It took me years to realize it and even longer to admit it. Once I admitted it, it took even longer to do something to change it.

Change is hard. Change is scary. Even if you know where you are is not where you want to be, change requires courage and the willingness to stand up and say, “Not this”, then do the thing that needs to be done to change the course. At that time, that meant that most every part of my life had to change. And it did. And it was hard. Really hard.

So this pause is an interruption. Rather than getting 20 years down the road and realizing once again that where I am is not where I want to be, this pause is a time to quiet and make ongoing adjustments to life to be sure that where I am is where I want to be.

The interesting thing is I am not sure where I want to be. I know I want peace. I know that I want joy. I know that I want to live my truth. I know I want more of THIS – sitting in a log cabin, listening to the crackle of a fire and the waves lapping on the shore with the person I love.

I know I want to have a full life with friends and love and family and dogs and experiences. I know I want to watch our kids walk their own path and teach them to periodically pause to be sure that where they are heading is where they really want to go. If it is not, I want to ensure them that they have the strength and courage to make the change.

Lake Superior has shown us two sides this week; Unnerving, angry, and demanding - Calm, peaceful, and serene. Sometimes the former is required to shake us loose and demand change even when it is scary because it is for our highest good. Having lived through this, my new plan is to pause often, to listen very carefully to the latter, and find the wisdom in the fire before it gets too hot.